Stinky's Peepshow

My Thursday evening was going well. Seventh hour had been breached and in less than an hour I would be on my way home, free from the shackles that is my desk. With people loitering behind my desk, 95% of the internet was rendered useless. So besides the ladies, music would be a distant, very distant, number two thing I look at work. I think actual work would fall in around number five, and even then it's a miniscule amount. I find that NOFX is playing a "secret" show in the city. I missed them last time they were up here, and I haven't seen them play since they played at UCI and everybody was obliterated to say the least. I'm so excited.

Mike's up here for the weekend, staying with Brandon near SFSU. They were amped on going. The show starts at 9:00, with a few other bands going on first. Fuck, I have to be up at 7:15; aww shit, it's NOFX. I'm still stoked for the show, not stoked for going to work tired and hungover. So we plan to leave around 7:00 since we don't have tickets.

While waiting outside Safeway for Mike to grab cash, there was this black lady who was talking to her kid. But when she talks she yells at the top of her lungs. And she kept on telling the kid, "What the FUCK are you looking at? Don't try to hold my hand, you mother fucker. Don't pull that shit. Step off, step the fuck off." She seriously said every swear word in the book. Her kid has a great role model.

We catch a cab to the venue. Some talk show is on the radio, talking about how the jewish feel about the Danish Cartoon and the Muslim Response Cartoon. Then the cab driver told an old racist jew joke, Mike and Brandon we're not too happy with that. He then went on to say how Dick Cheney was so hammered and that's why he shot the 78 year old lawyer, they didn't tell the media for a few days afterward because they had to sober him up. There was also a statistic done with all the people who were involved with the JFK assassination and died supposedly by "accident"; it pretty much impossible for it to be all accidental. The cabby finally drops us off at the old location. We had to walk a few blocks to get to the actual venue.

So by now it's around 8:00 and the doors open at 9:00. By 9:30 we make it inside. It was great, there were go-go dancers on the inside, but they weren't your typical go-goes. They were pleasantly plump, a lottle more cushion for the pushin'. Drinks were cheap, which is refreshing after being to the Warfield where drinks were 7 bucks and you had to pound them before going on to the balcony.

So the first band comes on, "Double D's". I liked them, they had a good sound. After they finish, there's an announcement that a peep show is going on in the back room. It was a buck to get inside. Brandon was already inside, but I spent my last four bucks on a beer, I shouldn't have tipped the bartender a buck. Right then Smelly, the drummer for NOFX, comes in behind me and pays his way through and then says, "I'll pay for you" and got me in too! I was so stoked! I thanked him and found Brandon inside. There were two chicks dressed in country bumpkin' outfits; they and this dude dressed as a farmer were throwing bacon and biscuits into the crowd. One of the girls grabs a piece of bacon and rubs it on her chest (at this point her boobies were sheathed). She left the bacon on her chest and grabbed my head and smothered my face in the bacon. The smell of bacon was on my face for the rest of the night.

Then they asked if anybody was raised on a farm. Nobody raised their hand so I naturally said yes, I was an active part in the Sha-Farm; it's in the Sha-Forrest. There was a blow up sheep, they asked if I knew what to do. I said, "of course, you have to stick the back legs in your boots so they can't run away" But I didn't have boots and the sheeps legs were small, so I put it in my pockets and finished on the sheeps face...haha, jk, I let loose inside. Before I went back to my seat, one of the chicks asked if I wanted to eat her hay bail, I never turn that down. So she puts a snow ball on top of her panties (the cream filled snack cake you sicko's). I'm not a big fan of coconut; so I didn't eat a lot of it as much as get it all over my face. I sat back down and at the end of the show the two ladies showed us their ta-ta's, boobs and good music, what more could you ask for?

Another band goes on, I didn't catch their name and the intoxication was hitting me hard. Their set ended and it was coming up on midnight and NOFX hasn't even gone on yet. They come out and attempt to start a song, but they keep on starting for a few seconds and then stopping. El Hefe was so wasted his eyes were barely open, he says it was the Jagger Bombs. I thought that everybody got over Jäger once they hit 21. Finally they play the first song and it was really bad, but everybody was laughing, especially them. The second song was better and by the third song they were sounding like themselves, but it still was a rough show for them. But by the end they were right on top of it.

Adam Ant was in the crowd, Fat Mike pointed him out, I didn't see from where I was. I found Brandon in the front and somebody pushed me from back and I ran into the guy next to Brandon. Since there was somebody against me, it took a little bit for me to back off of the guy in front of me. Brandon tells me, "Dude, this guy next to me is Adam Ant!" I said, "Oh really? I just grinded up on him!"

It was a great night. The show didn't end till 1:30 in the AM. I was tired and hungover the next day, but that's how I get to work 50% of the time anyways.

Sweet Pussy

Sweet Pussy, you're going the way of all the women in my life; exiting it. Normally, I wouldn't have any trouble with it, I am used to it by now. But GOD DAMN, did that pussy ever smell so sweet.

There's the normal pussy stink, has a sour hint to it; some more than others. But as a man, it's an accomplishment to fill the room with the aroma, it's as if we think, "she likes me, at least enough to let me play with her box, and that's all I want" It's only a wonderful smell to us, because we got some va-gin-na-nana (to quote Big Yagi); and the odor confirms it. But if somebody made a pussy stink air spray, nobody would buy it; unless it was yours Sweet Pussy.

Pussy stink seems to cling to your body for a day afterwards. One encounter back in The Vine, there was a pussy that was absolutely repulsive. I remember sitting in class, hungover as always, exhausted from lack of sleep from sharing my little twin dorm bed. I had to lean to the left with my hand as far to the right as possible, so the odor wouldn't be as strong. But when I was taking notes, I could smell her, as if her cooch was right under my nose. I think it actually took two days to get the smell off completely; and believe you me, I washed my hands every second!

But not you Sweet Pussy. Your Vagina Vapors were beautiful, I wanted to bottle it and keep it hidden from everybody else. If your twat was a scratch and sniff, I would have ripped through the page. Unlike the for mentioned, I enjoyed your clinging nectar for the entire day. I smelled my finger so much, the remnants was transferred to my upper lip. Which is wonderful because there are only so many times you can inconspicuously run a digit under your nose when you don't have a cold. All I had to do was curl my upper lip up and I was back in my bedroom with you. If I smell my finger now, it just smells like spilt coffee. But I still can remember that Sweet Pussy Stank.