Oh-High-Oh
Ahhh another state that I get to cross off my list of states I haven't been to yet. Well I guess I've been to 16 now, but do those states in the north east really count as individual states? I mean you could hit 'em all up in like 2 hours.
Any-who. So I go up to Ohio to visit Beff Joykin (the names have been changed to protect the innocent) at his University near Columbus. Its a beautiful picture-esk campus. Old brick buildings from the 1800's, all the trees on campus were a beautiful orange, being the fall time. The campus had a lot of new buildings too, I really liked it...but that's not why you reading this for, is it? Ya'll just want to hear about the debauchery. (Speaking of Ya'll, they had a really good southern style BBQ Pork Sandwiches at this place in the little town that Denison University was surrounded by.)
So the first night Jeff and I play Bay-rutt, which is a variation of beer pong. No paddles, just a triangle of cups on a table in front of a person, and the other trys to throw ping pong balls in his 0pponents cups. But there is no drinking for hitting the cups, just if you sink it. We played this most of the weekend when we wanted to drink.
The second night was friday night, we go to a bar party hosted by Jeff's girlfriend Kate, and her sarorTITY. I was excited to see a bar in Ohio, and it was everything I could have hoped for and more. It was a hick bar, UBER-hick. We walk in and the bouncer, along with everybody else in this state, has a hard time finding my DOB. He was like, "I lived in California", but he lived in Lancaster, and it was only for like a year. That ain't California, that's a place that Californians go to DIE! But for some reason this guy kept on calling me Justin, even though he had my ID in his hand. Kate kept on trying to correct him, but he just kept on saying Justin. I don't care, as Justin and I know, we just hear "ustin" and we respond. So I walk in and saw it, the NUMBER 1 thing that can salvage ANY piss hole bar; even the harbor bar. It was a mechanical bull. I nearly shat myself. There it was, a light came from behind it. I asked the bouncer how much it was to ride it and he said it was 2 bucks for one ride that lasted 8 seconds, just like the pro's do. He went on to tell me how he has rode bulls professionally and tells me if I ride it to come and get him by the stage. The stage consisted of another hick playin CD's, which were selected by the head chick in charge, who was also probably head of the tity. That was his perch for perving on the hot college chicks. The "cover charge" was 3 bones, I was like this aint no cover charge that's a fourth of a drink. I get to the bar and it got better, THE DRINKS WERE 3 BUCKS! Of course they were using some scuzzy wells, probably something they made out in the back. But it got you good and hammered, but you felt it in the morning. So I was stoked, cheap drinks AND a Mechanical Bull. I slammed a few of those puppies down and Jeff, Kate, and I went to watch the bull.
The bull was surrounded by "padding", which consisted of old mattresses covered in tarp. When I walked on it, it felt like walking on a bed. Which gave me reservations, but after the second drink I assumed the two layers of this stuff was better than the hard wood floor. Right under the bull was the stand, which was hard as a rock. Whatever. So if you fly off make sure you avoid the hard spot underneath you, dodge the 4 poles surrounding you, and watch out for the wall that was opposite of the bar because it was a little closer. Come to think of it the roof wasn't that high either. So the three of us rolled up and we watched this waisthed college kid was riding this bull. He was sliding all over the place, barely hanging on; but he was trying so hard to stay on. He finally slipped off, but didn't fly off. He fell on the stand, but he didn't hurt his body because his head cushioned the fall. I guess he's not going to be a bio kid anymore. It was loud too, plus all three of us felt the ground shake, FROM HIS HEAD. It was at this point that I decided one more drink would be better in case something like that happens I won't feel it till the morning. The kid got up, I couldn't tell if he got dumber or was just drunk.
So I get my hick "friend" who has become more wasted than I was the whole night...well maybe not. On the way over to the bull he gives me pointers. Hold with your knees and thighs not your calves and feet. Watch your balls, make sure they're snug up against the handle because they'll be slammed into there if you don't. Use only one hand, ONLY GIRLS USE TWO HANDS. Well, I didn't want to be called girl in this bar of all strangers that I'd never see again! (which was actual thought in my head) So I sign the waiver, it probably said if I get hurt they just put me on the curb and wish me luck; I don't know, I don't read those things. It had a spot for my Social Security, but I've had so much to drink by this time (FYI Jeff and I started at 3pm and it was now past midnight I think) I couldn't remember it. The hick manning the bull was like, oh well I guess you don't need it, just your signature. So I get on, he sets it all up and it starts to go. It goes back and I slip a little; then go forward and my nutz smack in to the thing, which was a good thing because it made my thighs tighten to the bull more. I start off with one hand but once the bull starts going from side to side, I had to get two on there because I wanted to stay on as long as I could. It seemed like I was on there FOR-EVER and it was great. I was going all around and laughing; the ball pain going away and now the feeling of dizziness and disorientation took over. So I finally go back to one hand to look cooler infront the hicks. I realized that I couldn't hold on to it with one hand, but it would be fun to dismount early into the possibly soiled mattresses covered by tarp. I see the opening in between the poles on the bar side, as the backend of the bull goes up I let go and fly off, making sure to get enough distance to miss the stand of the bull. I landed in the mattresses and couldn't stop laughing. It was the most fun I've had at a bar in a long time. It seemed so long but I don't know how long I stayed on. The others say I did it for almost the whole time. My hick friend did it too, but at a higher level, he fell off too and blamed it on the alcohol. Kate did it too, she stayed on the whole time, and I bow to her. Her friend (and Jeff's roommates girlfriend) was going to do it but the boyfriend said that her boobs were going to pop out and they were HIS boobs, so no others shall see them. The most impressive was when the operator of the bull turned it on and rode it STANDING ON THE FUCKING THING! I mean it wasn't going from side to side, which would be amazing, but it was only impressive.
We came back to Jeffs on-campus apartment, pretty waishted, way more than the bouncer come to think of it. I remember making a phone call to Serena, because she says its funny when I drunk dial. I couldn't hear much and figured that the phone got no reception. Apparently I wasn't making any sense, is what she told me the next day, and that I hung up. And Jeff confirmed "Yea, you were pretty wasted last night" I hope I didn't do anything I regretted; but I remember just passing out on the couch with the TV on, so I think I'm safe.
The rest of the weekend was a blast too. Having pizza for half our meals, just like when Jeff and I were younger. Drinking with him and his roommates, who were cool, and let me crash on the couch. Playing Nick on ESPN football, I won the first game only because he underestimated me. The next one he creamed me with the Cowboys, it hurts deep inside. We went to the two bars in the town, they were pretty cool. And I got to hang out with Jeff and Kate which was a lot of fun; especially since I had not seen Jeff in a year and I never met Kate. I really like Kate, really nice, puts up with a lot.
So that's my Ohio trip in a nutshell, "look at me, what kind of nut has a shell this big?"
Any-who. So I go up to Ohio to visit Beff Joykin (the names have been changed to protect the innocent) at his University near Columbus. Its a beautiful picture-esk campus. Old brick buildings from the 1800's, all the trees on campus were a beautiful orange, being the fall time. The campus had a lot of new buildings too, I really liked it...but that's not why you reading this for, is it? Ya'll just want to hear about the debauchery. (Speaking of Ya'll, they had a really good southern style BBQ Pork Sandwiches at this place in the little town that Denison University was surrounded by.)
So the first night Jeff and I play Bay-rutt, which is a variation of beer pong. No paddles, just a triangle of cups on a table in front of a person, and the other trys to throw ping pong balls in his 0pponents cups. But there is no drinking for hitting the cups, just if you sink it. We played this most of the weekend when we wanted to drink.
The second night was friday night, we go to a bar party hosted by Jeff's girlfriend Kate, and her sarorTITY. I was excited to see a bar in Ohio, and it was everything I could have hoped for and more. It was a hick bar, UBER-hick. We walk in and the bouncer, along with everybody else in this state, has a hard time finding my DOB. He was like, "I lived in California", but he lived in Lancaster, and it was only for like a year. That ain't California, that's a place that Californians go to DIE! But for some reason this guy kept on calling me Justin, even though he had my ID in his hand. Kate kept on trying to correct him, but he just kept on saying Justin. I don't care, as Justin and I know, we just hear "ustin" and we respond. So I walk in and saw it, the NUMBER 1 thing that can salvage ANY piss hole bar; even the harbor bar. It was a mechanical bull. I nearly shat myself. There it was, a light came from behind it. I asked the bouncer how much it was to ride it and he said it was 2 bucks for one ride that lasted 8 seconds, just like the pro's do. He went on to tell me how he has rode bulls professionally and tells me if I ride it to come and get him by the stage. The stage consisted of another hick playin CD's, which were selected by the head chick in charge, who was also probably head of the tity. That was his perch for perving on the hot college chicks. The "cover charge" was 3 bones, I was like this aint no cover charge that's a fourth of a drink. I get to the bar and it got better, THE DRINKS WERE 3 BUCKS! Of course they were using some scuzzy wells, probably something they made out in the back. But it got you good and hammered, but you felt it in the morning. So I was stoked, cheap drinks AND a Mechanical Bull. I slammed a few of those puppies down and Jeff, Kate, and I went to watch the bull.
The bull was surrounded by "padding", which consisted of old mattresses covered in tarp. When I walked on it, it felt like walking on a bed. Which gave me reservations, but after the second drink I assumed the two layers of this stuff was better than the hard wood floor. Right under the bull was the stand, which was hard as a rock. Whatever. So if you fly off make sure you avoid the hard spot underneath you, dodge the 4 poles surrounding you, and watch out for the wall that was opposite of the bar because it was a little closer. Come to think of it the roof wasn't that high either. So the three of us rolled up and we watched this waisthed college kid was riding this bull. He was sliding all over the place, barely hanging on; but he was trying so hard to stay on. He finally slipped off, but didn't fly off. He fell on the stand, but he didn't hurt his body because his head cushioned the fall. I guess he's not going to be a bio kid anymore. It was loud too, plus all three of us felt the ground shake, FROM HIS HEAD. It was at this point that I decided one more drink would be better in case something like that happens I won't feel it till the morning. The kid got up, I couldn't tell if he got dumber or was just drunk.
So I get my hick "friend" who has become more wasted than I was the whole night...well maybe not. On the way over to the bull he gives me pointers. Hold with your knees and thighs not your calves and feet. Watch your balls, make sure they're snug up against the handle because they'll be slammed into there if you don't. Use only one hand, ONLY GIRLS USE TWO HANDS. Well, I didn't want to be called girl in this bar of all strangers that I'd never see again! (which was actual thought in my head) So I sign the waiver, it probably said if I get hurt they just put me on the curb and wish me luck; I don't know, I don't read those things. It had a spot for my Social Security, but I've had so much to drink by this time (FYI Jeff and I started at 3pm and it was now past midnight I think) I couldn't remember it. The hick manning the bull was like, oh well I guess you don't need it, just your signature. So I get on, he sets it all up and it starts to go. It goes back and I slip a little; then go forward and my nutz smack in to the thing, which was a good thing because it made my thighs tighten to the bull more. I start off with one hand but once the bull starts going from side to side, I had to get two on there because I wanted to stay on as long as I could. It seemed like I was on there FOR-EVER and it was great. I was going all around and laughing; the ball pain going away and now the feeling of dizziness and disorientation took over. So I finally go back to one hand to look cooler infront the hicks. I realized that I couldn't hold on to it with one hand, but it would be fun to dismount early into the possibly soiled mattresses covered by tarp. I see the opening in between the poles on the bar side, as the backend of the bull goes up I let go and fly off, making sure to get enough distance to miss the stand of the bull. I landed in the mattresses and couldn't stop laughing. It was the most fun I've had at a bar in a long time. It seemed so long but I don't know how long I stayed on. The others say I did it for almost the whole time. My hick friend did it too, but at a higher level, he fell off too and blamed it on the alcohol. Kate did it too, she stayed on the whole time, and I bow to her. Her friend (and Jeff's roommates girlfriend) was going to do it but the boyfriend said that her boobs were going to pop out and they were HIS boobs, so no others shall see them. The most impressive was when the operator of the bull turned it on and rode it STANDING ON THE FUCKING THING! I mean it wasn't going from side to side, which would be amazing, but it was only impressive.
We came back to Jeffs on-campus apartment, pretty waishted, way more than the bouncer come to think of it. I remember making a phone call to Serena, because she says its funny when I drunk dial. I couldn't hear much and figured that the phone got no reception. Apparently I wasn't making any sense, is what she told me the next day, and that I hung up. And Jeff confirmed "Yea, you were pretty wasted last night" I hope I didn't do anything I regretted; but I remember just passing out on the couch with the TV on, so I think I'm safe.
The rest of the weekend was a blast too. Having pizza for half our meals, just like when Jeff and I were younger. Drinking with him and his roommates, who were cool, and let me crash on the couch. Playing Nick on ESPN football, I won the first game only because he underestimated me. The next one he creamed me with the Cowboys, it hurts deep inside. We went to the two bars in the town, they were pretty cool. And I got to hang out with Jeff and Kate which was a lot of fun; especially since I had not seen Jeff in a year and I never met Kate. I really like Kate, really nice, puts up with a lot.
So that's my Ohio trip in a nutshell, "look at me, what kind of nut has a shell this big?"
posted by The Adventures of Dustin at 5:27 PM
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